Doubt in the Dark Depths of the Water

October 7, 2022

THUD!

My body resoundingly hit the bottom of the lake.

I couldn’t see a thing with the loose sediment floating all around me. I was disorientated. I uncharacteristically started to feel panic. I was breathing all the wrong ways when one is trying to get air from a regulator.

My lungs felt like they were on fire. My life was flashing before my eyes 30 feet below the water surface as I re-adjusted myself to my knees.

How would anyone find me?

I made the decision in my angst to stay put. I couldn’t see where I was anyway. And I didn’t have the experience to do anything else to help myself in this situation.

A hand grabbed my shoulder and pulled me up…and up…and up…to the surface of the lake. The person attached to the hand told me to go to the shore and take my gear off.

I was in my first session of four for the open water diving portion of my scuba diving training. I was in a small group of wanna-be divers. I had 2 wetsuits, a head cover, booties, gloves, flippers, a regulator, a BCD, and an air tank on me. I could barely negotiate the trip from the back of my vehicle, after donning all this, to get to the edge of the water. The ambient temperature was 4 degrees Celsius. The water temperature could not have been much more. It was the end of September. The leaves were a golden yellow. The Rocky Mountains were regal looking with the background's crisp and clear blue sky.

I was now, however, in the dark and cold of the lake.

Our dive master had been leading us below the surface so we could practice and show the proficiency of our newly found skills. The loose sediment was easily disturbed by the inexperienced kicking of fins too close to the bottom. The people ahead of me were stirring up the sediment this way and I got lost in the trail they left. I didn’t know where I was. Except I knew that I had arrived at the bottom of the lake.

Which wasn’t the way it was supposed to happen.

Following the curt directions from the dive master, I managed my way to the shore, took my gear off, and awaited the rest of the group to finish their required time for the day.

The leader told me I would have to make up for my lost time the next day if I was to get certified. I was in a wee bit of a pickle, to say the least, based on my train wreck of a performance earlier that day.

I went back to the little yurt I had rented and plopped myself on the tiny bed wondering how the heck was I going to turn this around.

I had zero trouble when I was getting my hours in the pool the weekend prior. The environment of the open water was different. It was cold, I had a lot of gear on, and I was nervous.

Looking back at this experience, I had myself in a hole even before I started. I had doubted if I should be doing the open water portion this late in the year because of the cold conditions. Now, with this major gaffe on the first day, my self-doubt was in overdrive. I began to feel consumed with self-doubt as I stewed about what I had gotten myself into.

Would I be able to even get my certification? Should I even be trying to get certified if I couldn’t even do this simple exercise? Perhaps I shouldn't have spent my resources on this?

It is like having a little gremlin sitting on your shoulder telling you all the reasons you will fail and what is wrong with you. This gremlin makes you question what you are doing. Call it a self-doubt gremlin. We all have them show up from time to time.

Remember this: Self-doubt is nothing more than the mental habit of questioning your worth or judgment. Because it is a habit, it can be modified with some conscious awareness and action.

Here are some ways to squash self-doubt:

Identify What Your Limiting Beliefs Are

Self-doubt is ultimately based in fear. That will be the driver of your self-doubt. There are other reasons but fear is a big one. Learn to work with your fear. When I remind myself that things work out for me, this helps. When I think back to positive examples of this in my life and make them as vivid as possible in my mind, I remember that I will be okay.

Talk More Nicely!

Speak kindly and with compassion to yourself! When you begin to feel doubt, remind yourself that this is a normal emotional response to a challenge. Doubting yourself does not mean you are incompetent or not capable.

Try using your own name or the pronoun “you” instead of “I” when speaking to yourself. This makes what you are saying to yourself less personal and more objective to your subconscious.

Though I was beating myself up badly about getting kicked out of the lake that session, I knew that being mean to myself, wasn’t going to help me the next day. I reminded myself that I am a rockstar in the water, I am a natural athlete, and I am meant to scuba dive.

Focus on What You Want

I really wanted to learn how to scuba dive. It was a bucket list item. I even sold my “ole girl” acreage truck to make it happen. Being on, in, or near water is my happy spot. Scuba diving was a natural extension of this in my mind. Reminding myself of this, helped me focus on the task at hand the next day and what I had to do to make it happen.

Surround Yourself with a Support System

Having support is key. Life is easier with support. When I was trying to figure out how to rectify my scuba diving problem, I talked to a friend across the Big Pond who was already certified. She reminded me of a few key points that in my angst, I had forgotten. Her words of encouragement and solid advice from the other side of the globe and 8 time zones away, helped me find my center again.

Do it!

By taking action, you are taking the baby steps necessary to build confidence in dealing with doubt. Focus on the process, not the end result. Don't get overwhelmed by what you have to do. Just get started. The Big U (Universe) or Spirit will guide and help you.

Build Your Resilience Muscle

The more I stretch out of my comfort zone, the better I get at not letting self-doubt drive my life. My resilience muscle gets stronger. I didn’t get in my car and drive in the opposite direction away from the lake because it was too hard. I decided that I was going to do this. I knew I had to be ready the next day to go back out there.

When we let our hearts lead instead of our brains, it’s better. Our brain is important, but it can be a nuisance as well. It can be an active participant in our self-doubt. The self-doubt gremlin lives in your brain.

How did I do overcoming my self-doubt about completing my certification? Well, I got up the next morning, drove to the lake, put on the still damp and very cold scuba gear, and off I went back into the water.

I nailed it.

I haven’t looked back. I have many dives under my belt.

I am one with the water. I am a sea horse.

As Tony Robbins has said, “I don’t have to get rid of fear, I just have to dance with it.”

Dance, my friends, dance.